When we started this column, our aim was to pick one of the gazillion articles floating about on many of our fellow ‘football news-sites’ and point and laugh at their incredibly inane ‘rumours’ and ‘Stat Attacks’. We get the right to do this because of three reasons:
We don’t have a huge reporter base with their ears perenially to the ground picking up the merest sounds of a rumour like how horses can pick up an impending earthquake.
We don’t have a Statistics Team and in spite of the 8 Engineering graduates (and hopefuls) who write this blog, our Statistics grades are really nothing to write on BigFourZa about.
We wouldn’t bother even if we did have both of the above.
Of course, pointing and laughing is the easy way out. So just to show we’re not always playing for the other team, I will acknowledge straightaway that this post has been inspired by an actually useful article from our good friends over at F365.
On the back of some tireless hard work and intrepid reporting, which involved 15 eye-straining minutes of reading the above article under the perennial threat of his manager peeking over his shoulder to see what the heck he was up to, yours truly has managed to gather some astonishing facts from this year’s transfers so far. The magnitude of this revelation is great, going beyond just the shocking moves such as Sol Campbell to Newcastle and Paul the Octopus to Arsenal to predict whether they will FINALLY win something this season.
A quick scroll through the list will reveal that the only place where double digits occur not once, not twice but FOUR times is under that endearing club that we all love – Manchester Shitty. Mancini has spent a total of 76 Million Pounds on two extra wingbacks, one extra holding midfielder and one winger. Gareth Barry will now presumably be the creative force of that team, and images of Ozil sauntering past him for Germany’s third goal is a very reassuring image about Barry’s abilities for every Manc. Now that there is a proper left-footed winger, Bellamy and SWP may also have to leave. Bellamy is apparently being tracked closely by Liverpool, Spurs and the Greater Manchester Police, while SWP may be picked up by Villa, Arsenal, Madonna or Brangelina.
Further research into this unbelievable spending spree revealed the root cause of all these problems – Mancini had dyslexia as a child. As a result, his Math ability is only slightly better than that of the 8 Engineering grads on this site (sorry guys, I know I shouldn’t have revealed that). The dyslexia adds a further complication to the mix, resulting in his inability to process Zeros, resulting in such transfers – Alexandar Kolarov (£16m from Lazio). That’s three times what Chelsea piad for Yossi Benayoun – the man who inspired ‘Yoss the Boss’, ‘Yossi We Can’ and many such article titles, but not quite the Premiership one.
A secretly constituted committee which includes Invesment Bankers, former chairmen of Enron, Federal Reserve chairmen and Warren Buffet among others are scuttling all attempts to end this madness from Mancini. They believe his actions hold the key to understanding the world’s economic troubeles of the past three years, and want to see how long it can really go on. A few people who formerly worked at Lehman Brothers have already been sounded out about the possibility of managing a football club which is in ‘great financial shape’. However, we understand they too read the above article and politely declined.
Their neighbours from the other side of Manchester still can’t believe they got £14million between Ben Foster and Zoran Tosic. Tosic’s high fee apparently included the Energy costs that United had to shell out to keep the temperatures at sub-zero while he trained. Now that he is off to CSKA, everyone is convinced that he will be back to his frigid best. Chief Executive David Gill has also admitted that they tried to pawn off Owen to Citeh for £10million, but Citeh weren’t buying (pun unintended). Hence they are now in a fix to figure out where the funds for the 4 defenders, 2 midfielders and one goalkeeper born after World War II required to complete the squad will come from. They have also made absolutely clear that discipline is of foremost importance to the club, and alcoholism will simply not be tolerated. As a result, the newly re-named Daniel Drinkwater has been loaned to Cardiff City.
The smartest piece of business has clearly been done in the Arsenal boardrooms. Clearly Wenger, with his Ph.D has no problems getting his head around numbers. He has finally added height to his squad with a cashless swoop for Chamakh. It is believed that the tunnel height at Emirates had to be increased as a result of this move. But the more interesting piece of news obviously relates to those who left, and that oft-used phrase ‘Foot in Mouth’. We are very humble reporters and will readily own up to our faults when they get revealed to us. We thought Eduardo was going to stay. Whoopsie! We stand chastised by this unacceptable lowering of our journalistic standards.
And on one last note before we sign off. If you thought inflation was out to get you and a Dollar is simply not what is used to be anymore, well then you missed this bit of beauty from Everton – Joao Silva (£500,000 from Desportivo Aves). It’s a six figure transfer figure! In a day and age where there are six-figure weekly pay packets. The Lords be praised!