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Note: This fictitious piece is based on the reports that Kenny Huang and the Chinese government have expressed their interest in taking over Liverpool. There may be bits of what seem politically incorrect, which are completely not intended. I request all Chinese readers to take it in good humor, if this site is not blocked in China, that is.

Kenny Huang: Why hello Roy! I’ve been expecting you. Come in, have a seat.

Roy Hodgson: Thank you, Mr. Huang.

Huang: Now, the papers may be screaming that I’ve ‘taken over’ the club but I find that too strong a word. I prefer ‘joined hands’. I’m just here to help the club in any way I can. I trust that we can strike up a cordial partnership and take Liverpool back to where it deserves to be.

Hodgson: Of course sir. I’ll try my ut-

Huang: Say, this Google is something eh?

Hodgson: Pardon, sir?

Huang: Google Roy, Google. I’ve been stuck to my laptop for two hours and I still can’t get enough of it. It’s such a relief to type ‘girl on girl action’ on a search engine and not have my house blown up. (more…)

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When we started this column, our aim was to pick one of the gazillion articles floating about on many of our fellow ‘football news-sites’ and point and laugh at their incredibly inane ‘rumours’ and ‘Stat Attacks’. We get the right to do this because of three reasons:

  1. We don’t have a huge reporter base with their ears perenially to the ground picking up the merest sounds of a rumour like how horses can pick up an impending earthquake.
  2. We don’t have a Statistics Team and in spite of the 8 Engineering graduates (and hopefuls) who write this blog, our Statistics grades are really nothing to write on BigFourZa about.
  3. We wouldn’t bother even if we did have both of the above.

Of course, pointing and laughing is the easy way out. So just to show we’re not always playing for the other team, I will acknowledge straightaway that this post has been inspired by an actually useful article from our good friends over at F365.

On the back of some tireless hard work and intrepid reporting, which involved 15 eye-straining minutes of reading the above article under the perennial threat of his manager peeking over his shoulder to see what the heck he was up to, yours truly has managed to gather some astonishing facts from this year’s transfers so far. (more…)

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A Cescy Tale

Maddy’s Note: Our Journo pal Swaroop is back with his typical style and eloquence. Here’s an Arsefan with an honest, tells-it-as-he-sees-it assessment. Of course his views are his own you may not agree with them. At least not entirely.

Goodbye Kiss?

It was September 2003. And I was watching Football Mundial – back then it was not clichéd and used to come in Star Sports/ESPN. They used to have a five-minute section dedicated to profiling upcoming youngsters. It was Cesc Fabregas’s first celluloid moment in India – and not coincidentally my first ever opportunity of watching the youngster play football. (more…)

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Journalist: Xavi Hernandez, I would firstly like to thank you for giving us a few minutes of your valuable time. I would also like to congratulate you on the World Cup triumph. You must obviously be delighted.

Xavi: As you say, it is obvious that I am delighted. As obvious as the fact that Cesc is coming to Barca next week for twelve pounds ha’ penny. I am very happy. I feel like slurping up strands of Cesc’s genes like some genetic spaghetti eater.

Journalist: Err… OK. Have you joined up for pre-season training yet?

Xavi: No. Pre-season training is le cack. Always the same old things.

Journalist: Yes, the laps and stretches can get a bit tedious. But what better way to prepare for the new season, right?

Xavi: Oh, the laps are alright. It’s the indoor training games that are hell. Pep is a hard taskmaster. He puts Messi and Loretta the cafeteria lady on one team and the rest of us on the other.

Journalist: Umm.. well, don’t you think that’s a bit unfair?

Xavi: Tell me about it! Have you seen the fight in that bitch? She goes putting in tackles like Yaya Toure who’s just been asked to lend money to the poor. And all we have is Sergio Fucking Busquets. Of course it’s unfair! Almost as unfair as the bonded labour Cesc is under at QPR.

Journalist: You mean Arsenal.

Xavi: Yeah, whatever. All London’s the fucking same. It’s an outrage, that’s what I’m saying. (more…)

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On most days, I’m an angry and frustrated boy. I still don’t know whether I subconsciously choose to loathe the ‘big boys’ of other Leagues or if they really are overgrown schoolchildren (see what I did there?). The latter possibility seems more likely because we know a) the huge number of supporters these clubs have and b) the huge number of overgrown schoolchildren in the world. It was therefore with considerable surprise that, at the end of the 2008-09 season, I looked at a team lifting a trophy without cringing. As Manchester United were beaten by a Messi header (for more oxymorons, see ‘Chelsea youth product’ and ‘Clichy goal’) and the Catalans cavorted around with Old Big Ears, a ghost of a smile may have passed my face. I was even prepared to put the Henry tapping up incident in the ‘water under the bridge’ category. Here was a team that played wonderful football, had a likable manager and whose crux was players from their own academy. If these weren’t ideal champs, who were?

But many things have happened over the past year. In a nutshell, Barca have proved how shallow, spoilt and stupid they are.

Shallow, because they clearly have no pressing need for a midfielder of Cesc’s type. Joan Laporta wants to be the man who started the process of bringing the ‘Golden Boy’ back home while Sandra Bullock (or Rossell, same difference) wants to be the man who finished it. (more…)

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So Final-ly it all comes down to this. The “FIFA World Cup” is on its way home to one of the two European bigwigs. Two nations with huge history, that have produced as many legends of the game, as any other country. Two teams that have embraced their own style of the game, be it the Total Voetball or the Tiki Taka. They boast of some of the world’s best academies in Ajax and Barcelona, that have churned out players of rare breed for decades. And yet when it happens that their best achievement have been limited to European championships, its only fair that these two will be vying for the coveted trophy this coming Sunday.

Hup Holland Hup or Vamos Espana?

(more…)

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This World Cup has been quite interesting in the amount of publicity it has generated off the pitch, rather than on it. Going by the adage ‘No publicity is bad publicity’, FIFA and Sepp will be grinning from ear to ear at this event which has now truly attained the status of a global event (unlike the Americans who call their 16-team leagues the ‘World Series’). Of course, now and then they’ll have to make noises about making better refereeing decisions while still going ahead and appointing Howard Webb as the referee for the finals – a decision which certainly won’t go down well with our resident Scouser. Overall though the ‘FIFA World Cup’, as it has been branded everywhere, has become a self-feeding propaganda machine that can run on itself now. We thought we had already caught the craziest, wackiest types among those in our post here, but clearly we missed out the big newsmakers! So for those of you who have been living under a rock, here they are, in descending order of shock value.

Larissa and her... um... friends.

Larissa Riquelme – If you did read the crazy, wacky post we referred to above, you would’ve seen how we thought Dallys Ferreira was the best thing to happen to South American football this World Cup. (more…)

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