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Journalist: Xavi Hernandez, I would firstly like to thank you for giving us a few minutes of your valuable time. I would also like to congratulate you on the World Cup triumph. You must obviously be delighted.

Xavi: As you say, it is obvious that I am delighted. As obvious as the fact that Cesc is coming to Barca next week for twelve pounds ha’ penny. I am very happy. I feel like slurping up strands of Cesc’s genes like some genetic spaghetti eater.

Journalist: Err… OK. Have you joined up for pre-season training yet?

Xavi: No. Pre-season training is le cack. Always the same old things.

Journalist: Yes, the laps and stretches can get a bit tedious. But what better way to prepare for the new season, right?

Xavi: Oh, the laps are alright. It’s the indoor training games that are hell. Pep is a hard taskmaster. He puts Messi and Loretta the cafeteria lady on one team and the rest of us on the other.

Journalist: Umm.. well, don’t you think that’s a bit unfair?

Xavi: Tell me about it! Have you seen the fight in that bitch? She goes putting in tackles like Yaya Toure who’s just been asked to lend money to the poor. And all we have is Sergio Fucking Busquets. Of course it’s unfair! Almost as unfair as the bonded labour Cesc is under at QPR.

Journalist: You mean Arsenal.

Xavi: Yeah, whatever. All London’s the fucking same. It’s an outrage, that’s what I’m saying. (more…)

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This World Cup has been quite interesting in the amount of publicity it has generated off the pitch, rather than on it. Going by the adage ‘No publicity is bad publicity’, FIFA and Sepp will be grinning from ear to ear at this event which has now truly attained the status of a global event (unlike the Americans who call their 16-team leagues the ‘World Series’). Of course, now and then they’ll have to make noises about making better refereeing decisions while still going ahead and appointing Howard Webb as the referee for the finals – a decision which certainly won’t go down well with our resident Scouser. Overall though the ‘FIFA World Cup’, as it has been branded everywhere, has become a self-feeding propaganda machine that can run on itself now. We thought we had already caught the craziest, wackiest types among those in our post here, but clearly we missed out the big newsmakers! So for those of you who have been living under a rock, here they are, in descending order of shock value.

Larissa and her... um... friends.

Larissa Riquelme – If you did read the crazy, wacky post we referred to above, you would’ve seen how we thought Dallys Ferreira was the best thing to happen to South American football this World Cup. (more…)

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In my experience, predictions made by the ‘expert pundits’ have a success rate equal to that of Bangladesh in Test Cricket. Factor in that even a draw counts as a success to the Bangladeshis and it makes this statistic infinitely bleaker. All sooth saying that have been done with Reputations as a frame of reference this time around in South Africa have fallen flat; as flat as Russell Peters’ stand up shows are when you watch them for even just the second time. (more…)

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Now I can joke around about it, but the fact remains that Arsenal players have had a stinker of a World Cup. But while Vela flitting around like an inconspicuous Mexican Cochineal before getting injured is not entirely surprising, one sight which has raised quite a few eyebrows is our captain cooling his heels on the bench for almost the entire tournament so far. Spending time sitting next to luminaries like Llorente and Jesus Navas has changed Cesc into a grumpy, bearded man.

And no Snow White as well. Gah!

Now, one thing needs to be clarified, which is the undeniable fact that Del Bosque is mental. (more…)

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It’s a room that gives birth to conflicts in your mind. As soon as you enter the chamber and see the garishly purple walls, the crudely drawn stick figures on those walls, balloon shaped and magic wand shaped cut-outs, you immediately think: Ten year olds playroom. But that’s when the conflict starts. That’s when you start to feel an overwhelming aura surround you. That’s when you see the lewd postures that the stick figures have been drawn in. That’s when you see that the balloon and magic wand cut-outs are actually…well. And that’s when, in a flash of inspiration, it strikes you: FIFA headquarters. (more…)

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Musings On Cesc

Now I know the World Cup, which is the greatest sporting event in the history of mankind and other assorted one dimensional and pan dimensional beings if you believe the news channels, is going on. And I’ve tried to enjoy it, I really have. I’ve sat in front of the television willing it to entertain me somehow. But frankly, it’s by and large been a load of cack. When people talk about balls which have minds of their own and plastic trumpets being blown by those who obviously think Lady Gaga doesn’t suffice as a treat to the ears, one can only assume that the football isn’t worth talking about. While the competition does have its moments like Quagliarella scoring a beauty of a goal, and to top that off, Quagliarella crying like a little girl, the mind can’t help but wander back to pastures red and white.

Good

Better

And the topmost thing on most people’s minds is the uncertain future of Cesc Fabregas. (more…)

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Oh Eduardo!

Dear Eduardo,

I must confess the first I ever heard of you was when the official site intimated me that you were the latest member to be inducted into the Arsenal family. I mean, honestly, the goal you scored for Dinamo Zagreb against us was no more than a minor irritant in what was a comprehensive mauling over two legs. (more…)

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