Maddy’s Note: Ladies and Gents and disgruntled commenters, Presenting Nickspinkboots, our latest Arsenal err correspondent. He claims he loves Arsene Wenger more than his Mom and worships that Goal Scoring machine of an Ivorian we have. He is quite satirical in his take on things and the reason I bring this up right here right now is because of the bashing the poor fellow has been taking in the comments section. So before the rest of you irreparably damage his sanity by calling him a Spud, let me stop you right there. He’s kidding. And hopefully, he’ll give us a lot more of these posts in the days to come.
Author’s Note: These stats are until June 18th because some Arsenal players have actually done something useful since I haven’t had a chance to update it since.
Following is a comprehensive list of the invaluable contributions made by some Arsenal players to the 2010 FIFA World Cup so far. In order to keep the length under control, I have left out unimportant stats like goals and assists in a few cases.
Carlos Vela
- Minutes on the pitch – 99
- Minutes spent making some useful contribution to the game – 7
- Minutes spent treating the pitch like Central Park – 62
- Minutes when I don’t know what he did because I didn’t notice him (like the defenders) – 30
- Goals scored – None
- Chip shots scored – None
- Chances of making the Arsenal starting line-up next season – None
Abou Diaby
- Minutes on the pitch – 180
- Minutes spent playing like Vieira – 45
- Minutes spent playing like Vieira’s mum – 135
- Goals scored – None
- Own goals scored – None
- Chances that he’ll stop this oscillatory act in seasons to come – None
Bacary Sagna
- Minutes on the pitch – 180
- Minutes spent being solid – 180
Cesc Fabregas
- Minutes on the pitch – None
- Minutes spent making silly faces and vuvuzela noises at Busquets – 31
- Minutes spent laughing at Torres’s new haircut * – 14
- Minutes spent making silly faces and vuvuzela noises at Busquets (with Big Phil) – 25
- Minutes spent thinking how, if he moved to Barcelona, he would have a lot more time to sit on the side-lines and make silly faces and vuvuzela noises at Busquets – 20
- Chances of him leaving Arsenal this season – None
* These minutes were spent alone because Big Phil gets really sensitive when it comes to anyone’s hair.
Nicklas Bendtner
- Minutes on the pitch – 60
- Minutes spent thinking how he could give Shearer heading lessons – 60
- Number of heading opportunities – 1
- Number of heading opportunities screwed – 1
- Chances that he doesn’t give a damn because he’s at the World Cup and Ibrahimovic isn’t – Pretty good
Robin Van Persie
- Minutes on the pitch – 77
- Goals scored – None
- Number of times hit the post or bar – None
- Chances that he’ll make it through the tournament without getting crocked – None
Emmanuel Eboue
- Minutes on the pitch – 88
- Minutes for which the world as we know it came to a halt – 88
- Chances that Ronaldo will ever get the better of the future Arsenal captain, manager and chairman – None
A slap in the faces of all those who thought that the Gunners were having an underwhelming World Cup.
If this site is run by an Englishman ,then let him tell us about rubbish Rooney ,clueless Crouch . hopeless Heskey,loser Lennon,etc,etc ,etc. two games played against mediocre teams one goal scored and looking to bow out and go back to dear old Blighty and ponder on another world cup gone sour .Slovenia to beat England the Yanks to beat Algeria ,sounds highly possible to me?
As a United fan, but co-founder of this blog (with an Arsenal fan, would you beileve!) I must say 49Unbeaten below has spelt out well what I was going to say. True this is WC time, but this post isn’t about the countries at all. It’s only about Arsenal, same as the rest of the blog will only be about United, and Liverpool, and Chelsea. Club before country!
And as the co-founder in question I totally concur with your assessment of England, bunch of overrated Chelski and United bastards 🙂
Although, Rambo who wrote this piece loves Arsene Wenger more than him mom. He was just bored with the World Cup and wanted to spread some levity around.
Cheerio Samuel
Samuel you’re completely missing the point mate. It’s nothing to do with race or what country you come from rambo is poking fun at Arsenal players!!!????!!! If we HAD any English players representing Arenal/England at the world cup i dare say he’d be having a go at them too. Calm down dear……
Right you are, 49 Unbeaten. If Theo had been selected for England and had played in the WC, I would have gone something like ‘Make a point A. Extend it to a point B. Voila! You have a one-dimensional line, also known as Theo Walcott.’
It’s all in jest though. 🙂
LOL. Loved reading that. Good work 🙂
This article is more exciting than some of the World Cup matches!!!
You missed out on:
Song and Clichy
Clichy, you can definitely find a LOT of humour. he’s sitting on the bench because one of the world’s biggest cunts is his captain and starting left back.
err? Are you bored or something matey? Cos this was utter crap. I mean, duh! Surly even you can do something more innovative than this? I know its fun to diss Arsenals players, but by god! Do it with some class.
Not some low life pleb comments like this! You want us normal people to take it serious please write a better artickle, mock the players in an intelligent way, atlest try to show us you used more than 5 mins to put it together. Try to show us you have passion and that what you write actually matters!
Good writng is a skill especially good witty humor in writing like you tried to do here. Unfortunatly you failed miserabley…
Well golin, I’m sorry that the post didn’t meet your standards. Would you mind showing me how to write better ‘artickles’ so that I could implement it in the future?
You’re bound to have differences in opinion on the Internet. You thought this was classless, but many others have liked it. They’re classless people themselves no doubt, but you can’t please everybody. 🙂
Anyways, I take your criticism on the chin and I promise to…erm… have some passion in the future and will make sure that..what was it.. what I write actually matters. Cheers.
Minutes wasted reading this – 3
Chance of me returning to this blog – 0%
I’m sorry to hear that, Nicky. But I urge you to return to the blog as the rest of the contributors are much, much better than I, a blogging newbie, am. 🙂
I totaly like it. If all blogs are done this way i’d be a blogaholic.
I have one – number of times nasri celebrated when france leaked goals: 4 (including 2days loss).
i love this blog… he gave us the facts as we see it..
diaby is shit.. he s too slow.. sell him…
I luv it…
[…] Now I can joke around about it, but the fact remains that Arsenal players have had a stinker of a World Cup. But while Vela flitting around like an inconspicuous Mexican Cochineal before getting injured is not entirely surprising, one sight which has raised quite a few eyebrows is our captain cooling his heels on the bench for almost the entire tournament so far. Spending time sitting next to luminaries like Llorente and Jesus Navas has changed Cesc into a grumpy, bearded man. And no Snow White as well. Gah! […]
Loved the bit on cescy … amazing stuff …
[…] Now I can joke around about it, but the fact remains that Arsenal players have had a stinker of a World Cup. But while Vela flitting around like an inconspicuous Mexican Cochineal before getting injured is not entirely surprising, one sight which has raised quite a few eyebrows is our captain cooling his heels on the bench for almost the entire tournament so far. Spending time sitting next to luminaries like Llorente and Jesus Navas has changed Cesc into a grumpy, bearded man. […]