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Archive for the ‘BFZ Features’ Category

Hala!!

Decided to come out of hiding after Germany’s exit at the hands of those rotten tomatoes, and what better day to emerge than the eve of the curtain raiser to the Premier League 2010-11 season 🙂

So to pick up where I left off , Here is what’s left to say:

Chelsea’s Low Point of 2009-10:

  • Unfortunately low points of Chelsea and Champions League gel as well as Navjot Singh Sidhu and his juicy one liners! This term we lost at the hands of Mourinho.
  • Probably not in the right time frame, but loosing Joe Cole and (equally) Michael Ballack is a huge drag. Respect.

Chelsea’s High Point of 2009-2010:

  • The Double. 105 years in the making.

And that’s the bottom line. 😛

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Note: This fictitious piece is based on the reports that Kenny Huang and the Chinese government have expressed their interest in taking over Liverpool. There may be bits of what seem politically incorrect, which are completely not intended. I request all Chinese readers to take it in good humor, if this site is not blocked in China, that is.

Kenny Huang: Why hello Roy! I’ve been expecting you. Come in, have a seat.

Roy Hodgson: Thank you, Mr. Huang.

Huang: Now, the papers may be screaming that I’ve ‘taken over’ the club but I find that too strong a word. I prefer ‘joined hands’. I’m just here to help the club in any way I can. I trust that we can strike up a cordial partnership and take Liverpool back to where it deserves to be.

Hodgson: Of course sir. I’ll try my ut-

Huang: Say, this Google is something eh?

Hodgson: Pardon, sir?

Huang: Google Roy, Google. I’ve been stuck to my laptop for two hours and I still can’t get enough of it. It’s such a relief to type ‘girl on girl action’ on a search engine and not have my house blown up. (more…)

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The Women’s World Cup? I’m guessing that’s a Double D.

– Carlton Palmer confuses (World) Cup sizes.

Let me be honest. The time my co-authors spent on getting reacquainted with basic arithmetic, I spent by not watching the group stage of the FIFA Under-20 Women’s World Cup. In fact, I do not even know if there was a group stage. Neither did I see the knockout stages or the quarterfinals. Nor the semifinals. Actually, I saw roughly ten minutes of one game that I believe was the final. I’m not sure. So the majority of this World Cup review will be based on extrapolation, guesswork, and telepathy. Not unlike the majority of World Cup refereeing.

If I learned anything from playing rugby, apart from the fact that I am awful at playing rugby, it is that it takes a lot of concerted effort to bring a fully grown man down; me, not so much. Unfortunately, nobody let football know. Or so I thought.

Which is why, BFZ gives two heartfelt thumbs up to the FIFA Under-20 Women’s World Cup. After watching a very enjoyable twenty-minute period of a damned decent football match between Nigeria and Germany, during which the referee was called into action all of zero times, the only thing to hit the deck and writhe around in agony for seemingly no reason was my jaw.

(more…)

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When we started this column, our aim was to pick one of the gazillion articles floating about on many of our fellow ‘football news-sites’ and point and laugh at their incredibly inane ‘rumours’ and ‘Stat Attacks’. We get the right to do this because of three reasons:

  1. We don’t have a huge reporter base with their ears perenially to the ground picking up the merest sounds of a rumour like how horses can pick up an impending earthquake.
  2. We don’t have a Statistics Team and in spite of the 8 Engineering graduates (and hopefuls) who write this blog, our Statistics grades are really nothing to write on BigFourZa about.
  3. We wouldn’t bother even if we did have both of the above.

Of course, pointing and laughing is the easy way out. So just to show we’re not always playing for the other team, I will acknowledge straightaway that this post has been inspired by an actually useful article from our good friends over at F365.

On the back of some tireless hard work and intrepid reporting, which involved 15 eye-straining minutes of reading the above article under the perennial threat of his manager peeking over his shoulder to see what the heck he was up to, yours truly has managed to gather some astonishing facts from this year’s transfers so far. (more…)

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Note from the BFZ Times: After a brief hiatus from the site, caused in part due to the BFZ Times team of editors stunned by the startling truth that 90% of  our readers (no no, you’re good, its those other people) cannot really grasp certain aspects of humour, it returns with some, ahem, shall we say.. “not so controversial news”.

Now that the World Cup is done with, the usual stories about a player leaving his “boyhood club” and going to his “dream-home-where-the-fans-are-the-best-in-the-world”, or vice versa in some cases, and stories about players wanting to follow the cash dangled in front of them, have begun in earnest. We, at BFZ Times, present to you in this article, the lastest transfer rumours and other gossip doing the rounds.

BFZ Times Gossip Column

Paulo is dead. Yes, there are rumours that Paulo the Octopus killed itself yesterday after it jumped out of its pool to escape the constant media attention that has been showered on it since it predicted World Cup scores correctly. (more…)

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Since it is off-season, I thought no one could make a bigger fool of themselves than me, but I was proved wrong! (Again!)

– Carlton Palmer, Football Pundit Extraordinaire

What the heck is this ‘Ajax’ thing which keeps coming up when Suarez is mentioned? Why is it not in the list of clubs I memorized? Can we talk about Cristiano now?

– Mayanti Langer,  Cricket, Hockey, Football and Quidditch Pundit Extraordinaire.

At least she’s not Mandira Bedi. Oh wait, that’s not necessarily a good thing.

– The Dude.

While it’s been a fortnight since the conclusion of the ‘Greatest Show on Earth’, as dedicated football fans, we felt it would just not be right to let the World Cup fade from our memories without one of BigFourZa’s special Factfiles. So, here goes: (more…)

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Journalist: Xavi Hernandez, I would firstly like to thank you for giving us a few minutes of your valuable time. I would also like to congratulate you on the World Cup triumph. You must obviously be delighted.

Xavi: As you say, it is obvious that I am delighted. As obvious as the fact that Cesc is coming to Barca next week for twelve pounds ha’ penny. I am very happy. I feel like slurping up strands of Cesc’s genes like some genetic spaghetti eater.

Journalist: Err… OK. Have you joined up for pre-season training yet?

Xavi: No. Pre-season training is le cack. Always the same old things.

Journalist: Yes, the laps and stretches can get a bit tedious. But what better way to prepare for the new season, right?

Xavi: Oh, the laps are alright. It’s the indoor training games that are hell. Pep is a hard taskmaster. He puts Messi and Loretta the cafeteria lady on one team and the rest of us on the other.

Journalist: Umm.. well, don’t you think that’s a bit unfair?

Xavi: Tell me about it! Have you seen the fight in that bitch? She goes putting in tackles like Yaya Toure who’s just been asked to lend money to the poor. And all we have is Sergio Fucking Busquets. Of course it’s unfair! Almost as unfair as the bonded labour Cesc is under at QPR.

Journalist: You mean Arsenal.

Xavi: Yeah, whatever. All London’s the fucking same. It’s an outrage, that’s what I’m saying. (more…)

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