Note: This fictitious piece is based on the reports that Kenny Huang and the Chinese government have expressed their interest in taking over Liverpool. There may be bits of what seem politically incorrect, which are completely not intended. I request all Chinese readers to take it in good humor, if this site is not blocked in China, that is.
Kenny Huang: Why hello Roy! I’ve been expecting you. Come in, have a seat.
Roy Hodgson: Thank you, Mr. Huang.
Huang: Now, the papers may be screaming that I’ve ‘taken over’ the club but I find that too strong a word. I prefer ‘joined hands’. I’m just here to help the club in any way I can. I trust that we can strike up a cordial partnership and take Liverpool back to where it deserves to be.
Hodgson: Of course sir. I’ll try my ut-
Huang: Say, this Google is something eh?
Hodgson: Pardon, sir?
Huang: Google Roy, Google. I’ve been stuck to my laptop for two hours and I still can’t get enough of it. It’s such a relief to type ‘girl on girl action’ on a search engine and not have my house blown up.
Hodgson: Er- very good, sir. I was under the impression that you had called me to discuss something.
Huang: What? Oh yes, as a matter of fact I do. I have a new player for you, Roy.
Hodgson: Oh? Well, with all due respect sir, I would prefer if I was allowed to make my own signings. I AM the manager, after all.
Huang: Don’t worry Roy. Of course you’ll make your own signings. This is just something to set the dice rolling. Consider it a present from me and the Chinese government. Shall I call him in?
Hodgson: He’s standing outside?
Jackie Chan: Howdy!
Hodgson: It’s Jackie Chan. Was it necessary for him to come crashing in through the window? Is this some sort of joke?
Huang: Do I look like a joking sort of fellow to you, Roy?
Hodgson: No sir. You look like any other person.
Huang: What did you just say, Roy? Did you just say that all Chinese look alike?
Hodgson: Surely not, sir!
Huang: Look Roy, they say people in England fight against racism. You’re going to have to prove that if we’re to have a congenial atmosphere around here.
Hodgson: I-yes sir.
Huang: Now will you take Jackie or not? He’s your new central defender.
Hodgson: But dash it, he doesn’t know the first thing about football! He can’t be a defender in the Premier League straight away!
Huang: Sorry Roy, but my hands are tied. Explicit orders from the Chinese government state that Chan is to be stopped from starring in more movies like ‘Karate Kid’.
Hodgson: I don’t see why that should concern Liverpool. I’m sorry sir, but I have to put my foot down.
Huang: Very well. I thought you would react like this Roy. I have a back-up offer for you. He’s standing outside. Shall I call him in?
(After ten minutes)
Hodgson: Why isn’t he here yet? I thought he was standing outside?
Huang: Patience Roy. I thought you were famous for your patience? He’s not the fastest, plus he’s just ditched Abu Dhabi United to come join us. Let him take his time.
Hodgson: N-No. You can’t. You can’t possibly mean-
Mikhael Silvestre: Hello!
Hodgson: I’ll take Jackie Chan. Just please ma-make him go away.
(After ten minutes)
Huang: Are you alright Roy? You look shaken.
Hodgson: You’re damn right I am! I can’t believe you used such underhanded tactics to get your way.
Huang: You seem cross Roy.
Hodgson: Forgive me sir, but it seems there’s something fishy going on here. I would appreciate it if you came clean over your motives.
Huang: Hmph. Very well. It’s best we get down to the real business. Roy, Jackie and I have come here to tell you, and Liverpool, and Britain, that the game is up.
Hodgson: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Huang: Come on, hand him over.
Hodgson: Hand WHO over, exactly?
Huang: Lucas. I must say that you hid him very well until now. But do me a favour and drop the pretence. So, what does he do? Shoot flames?
Huang: Control the weather?
Chan: Has super strength?
Hodgson: I’m sorry but I’ve completely lost track of the conversation now.
Huang: Sigh. Don’t you understand Roy? The gig is up. We know Lucas is a secret weapon developed by the UK to use on the world any time now. Well, we at the People’s Republic of China will not let that happen!
Hodgson: But that’s ridiculous. Lucas isn’t a secret weapon.
Huang: Then why, pray tell, is he still playing at Liverpool other than because the government is forcing you to keep him?
Hodgson: Because he’s a good footballer.
Huang: Please, Roy. I may be Chinese, but I’m not stupid.
Chan: Boss, look at these two pandas go at it in a gigantic rice bowl. Boy, I had forgotten how great Google was.