Tête à tête With A Twat As Xavi Speaks

Journalist: Xavi Hernandez, I would firstly like to thank you for giving us a few minutes of your valuable time. I would also like to congratulate you on the World Cup triumph. You must obviously be delighted.

Xavi: As you say, it is obvious that I am delighted. As obvious as the fact that Cesc is coming to Barca next week for twelve pounds ha’ penny. I am very happy. I feel like slurping up strands of Cesc’s genes like some genetic spaghetti eater.

Journalist: Err… OK. Have you joined up for pre-season training yet?

Xavi: No. Pre-season training is le cack. Always the same old things.

Journalist: Yes, the laps and stretches can get a bit tedious. But what better way to prepare for the new season, right?

Xavi: Oh, the laps are alright. It’s the indoor training games that are hell. Pep is a hard taskmaster. He puts Messi and Loretta the cafeteria lady on one team and the rest of us on the other.

Journalist: Umm.. well, don’t you think that’s a bit unfair?

Xavi: Tell me about it! Have you seen the fight in that bitch? She goes putting in tackles like Yaya Toure who’s just been asked to lend money to the poor. And all we have is Sergio Fucking Busquets. Of course it’s unfair! Almost as unfair as the bonded labour Cesc is under at QPR.

Journalist: You mean Arsenal.

Xavi: Yeah, whatever. All London’s the fucking same. It’s an outrage, that’s what I’m saying.

Journalist: Arsenal are accusing Barcelona of using underhanded tactics in their pursuit of Cesc Fabregas. Many players, including yourself, Iniesta, Pedro, Puyol, Piq-

Xavi: Puyol didn’t say anything.

Journalist: I beg your pardon? I have several quotes attributed to him including one in which he calls Arsenal classless.

Xavi: Sunshine, I know Puyol far better than you. Puyol is le dolt. It’s a minor miracle if he wears his shorts the right way up. I’ve lost count of the number of times he’s tried to wear a condom for a hat, bless his soul. Coherent speech is a long way down the road, trust me.

Journalist: But these quotes-

Xavi: You must have mixed them up. Barca players talk about a heaving shitload of things as it is. Actually, I think Xavi said it.

Journalist: You mean YOU said it.

Xavi: That’s what Xavi said. You can attribute those quotes to Xavi. Xavi won’t mind.

Journalist: Please stop doing that.

Xavi: Doing what?

Journalist: Referencing yourself in third person. It’s irritating.

Xavi: Oh shoot, am I doing it again? Sorry, that happens sometimes. Anyways, Cesc is ours and the sooner Plymouth Argyle realize th-

Journalist: Arsenal.

Xavi: Yeah, them too. What barbarians you English are. With Cesc and Merida both gone, only Mikel Arteta is preventing you from going into anarchy. The boss has half a mind to loan you Maxwell.

Journalist: With all due respect Xavi, I don’t think any top team in England will find a place for a washed up full back  in their team.

Xavi: Tottenham.

Journalist: Excuse me? Spurs are in the Champions League now. Plus they have Bale. I hardly think –

Xavi: They bought Giovanni Dos Santos. For money.

Journalist: Umm.. well.

Xavi: Hey look, Sandra’s here!

Journalist: Oh hello, Mr. Rossell. I didn’t expect you here.

Rossell: That’s a snazzy watch you have there.

Journalist: Why, thank you. It’s an Omega.

Rossell: I see. I would like to buy it from you. I’ll give you one of Ibrahimovic’s hairbands.

Journalist: What? Listen, I’ll be more than happy to sell it to you, but not in exchange for THAT.

Rossell: Alright, take two then. Get one thing into your head mister. I won’t go crazy paying for that watch. I’ll only pay its market price.

Journalist: Its market price is 500 pounds.

Xavi: Listen, you’re only delaying the inevitable here. You just have the watch on loan for now.  If not now, Sandra will surely get your watch the next time you come to interview anyone here.

Journalist: Oh, I doubt I’ll be coming here again anytime soon.

Pique: You can’t stop that watch from returning home, señor Reporter.

Journalist: Okay, where the hell did YOU come from?

Xavi: Xavi called him. It looked like his help was needed and Xavi did what was best.

Journalist: Stop it, you’re doing it again.

Iniesta: I would personally be ecstatic if that watch came to Sandra. That said, we have to respect your stance on the matter.

Rossell: That’s right. You’re the owner, you have the final word. Now hand the thing over.

Villa: I’m desperate for that watch and will do everything in my power to take it from you.

Pedro: The watch please, señor reporter.

Busquets: Give us the watch or I’ll cry.

Ibrahimovic: What the fuck? You guys are giving away my hairbands?

Loretta the cafeteria lady: Shut it, you little sissy!

Ibrahimovic: Ye-yes ma’am.

Loretta the cafeteria lady: Is that all? What did I tell you to end each sentence with?

Ibrahimovic: I-I’m..

Loretta the cafeteria lady: I CAN’T HEAR YOU!

Ibrahimovic: I-I’m a Barbie with a little penis.

Loretta the cafeteria lady: Good. Hey, journo pal. A little hard of hearing? I thought we just asked for the watch.

Journalist: I feel we may have strayed from the point here.