Why I Hate FC ‘Farce’alona

On most days, I’m an angry and frustrated boy. I still don’t know whether I subconsciously choose to loathe the ‘big boys’ of other Leagues or if they really are overgrown schoolchildren (see what I did there?). The latter possibility seems more likely because we know a) the huge number of supporters these clubs have and b) the huge number of overgrown schoolchildren in the world. It was therefore with considerable surprise that, at the end of the 2008-09 season, I looked at a team lifting a trophy without cringing. As Manchester United were beaten by a Messi header (for more oxymorons, see ‘Chelsea youth product’ and ‘Clichy goal’) and the Catalans cavorted around with Old Big Ears, a ghost of a smile may have passed my face. I was even prepared to put the Henry tapping up incident in the ‘water under the bridge’ category. Here was a team that played wonderful football, had a likable manager and whose crux was players from their own academy. If these weren’t ideal champs, who were?

But many things have happened over the past year. In a nutshell, Barca have proved how shallow, spoilt and stupid they are.

Shallow, because they clearly have no pressing need for a midfielder of Cesc’s type. Joan Laporta wants to be the man who started the process of bringing the ‘Golden Boy’ back home while Sandra Bullock (or Rossell, same difference) wants to be the man who finished it. They don’t care if the ‘Golden Boy’ becomes the ‘Golden Ball-Boy’ after going there or not. It’s happened to Emmanuel Petit before for anyone who thinks I’m overreacting. They didn’t even know what position he played in best.

Spoilt, because they simply won’t take no for an answer. They’re like a chubby ten year old who shakes his bally fists until he gets what he wants. Case in point:

Faceless Barca Twat: Sell us Cesc.

Arsene: No.

FBT: OK, how about this? You sell us Cesc.

Arsene: No.

FBT: Hmm I see. Alright, final offer. Laugh at our hideously pink away kit.

Arsene: (surprised) Gladly.

FBT: And sell us Cesc.

And finally, Stupid. Barca have handled the entire affair with the subtlety of a blindfolded Joey Barton who has a knife in his hand. First they have half the team, led by the immensely irritating Xavi, drone on about Cesc’s DNA and then have the temerity to say that the transfer shouldn’t have been made public. Contrast this with the only statement released by Arsenal on the matter thus far and the difference in the methods of both clubs becomes abundantly clear. Even if you leave aside the fact that they’re showing utter disrespect to Arsenal, it doesn’t make business sense as well. Cesc isn’t the type of player to get unsettled and his behaviour has been exemplary throughout the charades on show. Nor will the Arsenal fans turn on him; they know Barca’s tactics too well by now. The two possible outcomes of this blatantly public pursuit of our captain are either him finally realising what petty people his ‘future employers’ are or Money Grows On Trees United coming in with an offer of their own to start a bidding war. And Barca wouldn’t want a bidding war, trust me.

Note: They still haven’t paid off parts of the Hleb and Henry transfer fee yet either.

The PG-13 rating of this blog prevents me from letting loose

The above picture encapsulates Barcelona’s arrogance completely. I can ignore Reina easily, even sympathise with him. The poor fellow won’t be smiling a lot the coming season anyways. But what the fuck are that Neolithic caveman and his bitch thinking, putting that jersey on Cesc? It’s this ‘we can do whatever we want and no one can say anything’ attitude which is sickening in the extreme. To the ‘lighten up, it’s just a joke’ brigade, the basic prerequisite for any statement/group of statements/act to be considered a joke is that it should be funny. Frankly, I’ve seen polio ads which are funnier. To those of you who think FIFA or UEFA are going to do something about it, do me a favour and go back to sleep.

Rest assured, this saga isn’t ending anytime soon. I fully expect an exclusive in which Bojan Krkic’s dog announces that Cesc’s skin is really soft to the tongue and other assorted bullshit in their toilet paper newspaper while Keita performs stripteases to earn the rest of his weekly wages. They can win the treble next season, I don’t give two hoots. All I can think right now is: If these aren’t ideal chumps, who are?