Why Video Technology Will Not Work: Sepp Style

It’s a room that gives birth to conflicts in your mind. As soon as you enter the chamber and see the garishly purple walls, the crudely drawn stick figures on those walls, balloon shaped and magic wand shaped cut-outs, you immediately think: Ten year olds playroom. But that’s when the conflict starts. That’s when you start to feel an overwhelming aura surround you. That’s when you see the lewd postures that the stick figures have been drawn in. That’s when you see that the balloon and magic wand cut-outs are actually…well. And that’s when, in a flash of inspiration, it strikes you: FIFA headquarters.

It is in this very perplexing room that we see Sepp Blatter playing with a train set as a FIFA official tries to reason with him.

“You can’t just say ‘no’, Sepp. The amount of vitriol being poured on you and FIFA is extraordinary.”

“No.”

“But two matches so far in the knockout rounds have seen grave errors in judgement by the referee and linesmen. Both Tevez’s goal and Lampard’s non-goal were game changing moments.”

“No.”

“Players are diving and tumbling all over the place, causing referees to dish out undeserved yellow and red cards to the supposed offenders.”

“No.”

The official now grew suspicious that Sepp wasn’t really listening.

“Cristiano Ronaldo dresses like a transvestite and would be a big hit at Pleasure Palace.”

“Yes.”

Satisfied that Sepp really was paying attention, the official continued his cajoling.

“But Sepp, football has to move forward sometime. What exactly is your problem with video technology being implemented in the game? It’ll only reduce the scope for mistakes.”

Sepp stopped playing with the train set, partly because he was now completely focused on the conversation and partly because he hadn’t managed to start the thing up so far.

“What’s my problem with video technology, you ask?” He said softly. “I’ll tell you what my problem with video technology is.”

“People are currently clamouring for goal-line technology. Let’s say I give it to them. Then pretty soon it’ll be video technology before giving yellow and red cards. Then it’ll be consulting the man upstairs before calling offsides. Hand balls. Throw ins. Goal kicks. Ever-“

“You have a fair point, Sepp. But we can’t live in the Dark Ages forever.” The official interrupted.

Sepp raised his eyebrows, surprised. “I haven’t even started spelling out my problem yet. I can tolerate all the aforementioned antics easily. Now comes the hard part. Tell me son, do you know how important football is in people’s lives?”

“Quite important, I suppose.” the official said.

“Very important. People worship the game, idolize the players. They would do anything to have even a little bit of a footballer’s life. To get the remotest sniff of what it’s like to be a footballer. So what will they do?”

“What?” the official asked, completely nonplussed.

“Introduce video technology in their lives.” Sepp said smugly, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. “And footballers, megalomaniacs that they are, will happily follow suit. Men. Women. Children. Didier Drogba.”

“Sepp, with all due respect, I think that’s the LAST thing that’ll happen.” The official said, borderline irritated now.

“Perhaps. But do you really want to take the chance? Let me give you a few images that you might see on Youtube if footballers started using video technology in their lives. Do you know the kind of clothes Ronaldo wears in public?”

“Yes.” The official said, cringing.

“Now you’ll get to see what clothes he wears in private. If any.” Sepp said, a wicked smile on his face. An involuntary shudder went through the official.

“Do you know what John Terry does to other people’s wives in private?” Sepp continued.

“I actually do have some idea. As does the entire world.”

“Well, now you’ll get to see what he does to yours.” Sepp said as a horrified look crossed the official’s face.

“Do you know Harry Redknapp?” Sepp asked, ready to strike the hammer blow.

“Ye-yes.” The official stammered, positively terrified now.

“Now you’ll get to see him in the shower, twitching like there’s no tomorrow.” Sepp said, only to see the official utter a deranged scream and run from the room at breakneck speed.

“Hmm. I guess no video technology for some more time at least. Now where’s that train set?”

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