Chelsea beat West Ham. Like Totally.

Lighter’s Note: Before you call me on the title, notice that I’ve shown you the token courtesy of not starting with a bad pun along the lines of “Chelsea play West Ham. Hammers hammered!” or “Chelsea nail Hammers into relegation zone!“. Courtesy that The Sun and The Daily Mail have never heard of.
Also, this one is for The Granps. For everything.

This Saturday, Chelsea welcomed West Ham to the Bridge. And in a very refreshing change to the Lampard, Drogba, and don’t-get-me-started on Terry show, some of Chelsea’s unsung heroes stood up and got counted. West Ham on the other hand, lay flat on their backs, and got mounted.

Rooney has a bald patch. Alex has an entire head.

Alex is a central defender. However, if you believe in Hindu mythology, you will know that this is but one of the nine lives in the great and mysterious cycle of life and death. And applying the Hindu teachings of Shree Nithyananda, it becomes clear that Alex, in some past life, was either

• Steve Bruce’s nose.
• A Chuck Norris round house kick.
• A watermelon.

Because, these are the only other things I know of that can reduce a grown man to tears on making contact with a ball (or two). If there was anything more unforgiving and solid than Alex in defence on Saturday, it was his head. BigFourZa’s condolences to the Nike Special Edition Football which upon making contact with Alex’s head, died of internal hemorrhaging. But enough about Alex. Like Harsha Bhogle, we too must move on from a bald head to one that evokes responses along the lines of, “OMFG!! Is that a tea cosy on his head ???!!!”

Florent Malouda. And no, that is not a tea cosy on his head.

Florent Malouda is a wide player. He is French. And despite whatever Hindu mythology may have you believe, he is also black. However, none of these things can excuse the long-standing human suffering and general malaise his choice of hair stylists has caused.

Despite whatever people say about Frank Lampard’s waist, Chelsea are not exactly well-known for their width on the pitch. But on Saturday, Florent – I think his middle name is Johan – Malouda more than made up for hair-styles, past and future with a display of great, extremely unselfish crossing.

“Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”

- Proverb

“Fool me seventeen times in forty-five minutes, and my name is Johnathan Spector.”

- Johnathan Spector

A popular ditty goes along the lines of “ … now put your right hand in, pull your right hand out, then put your left hand in and shake it all about …”. This was the exact same thing on the collective West Ham mind as Malouda subjected them to the football equivalent of an anal probe. Immensely satisfying to watch, that.

With great power, from Mr. Parker, comes a great volley into the top corner.

In a West Ham side whose defensive strategy involved Malouda and Drogba being struck by lightning (they were not), there was one West Ham player who arguably did not deserve to be on the loosing side. Chelsea old boy, Scott Parker, produced a peach of a volley which, to be fair to Ross Turnbull, would have beaten Cech or Hilario. Video replays suggest it would have probably beaten Cech and Hilario and maybe even the proverbial bus. Parker was also not one to shy away from his defensive duties, getting in a number of vital tackles on Lampard and company. Credit where it’s due and so, well-played Mr. Parker.

Speaking of old boys, it’s Mourinho’s Inter mid-week. Beating Mourinho’s team will probably not be as easy as beating Zola’s.
But then again, we never had to worry about Zola running down the touch-line, did we?