There are only 1411 tigers left in India. And one Tiger trying very hard to increase that number.
- Carlton Palmer, Footballing Pundit
Why is this here?
- Confused BigFourZa reader.
Answer: To ensure some of our new readers don’t take our Carlton Palmer quotes to be real, and slag us off for quoting Carlton Palmer, of all people! That is the point, see?
For sure, what has happened to Tiger in full glare of public view is deeply embarrassing to deal with, especially for a man of his standing. But it cannot compare to the utter let-down, coupled with a deep sense of embarrassment that most of us visitors on this blog have been feeling (and conveyed as well) on watching this. This is not a diatribe from a fellow competitor in the same competition – mine was a mere text entry (the M for Man United one) and I was sure that an entry with AV media would get the award, for the sheer amount of fight involved. But to give it to this is an insult to both kinds of submissions – those who went for brevity being the soul of wit, and those who went all out with their pictures and videos and managed to look much less embarrassing than this. Let’s take a moment here and try and delve into the minds of the selection panel.
Obviously, one of the members was Amos Quito, famed entomologist-turned-weatherman-turned-musician whose last hit single ‘Spiders on the Storm’ was written thirty years ago on his visit to study the insects of the Western Ghats. Quite obviously, all he can remember about India are the spiders, mosquitoes and their breeding grounds from all the stagnant water that our drainage couldn’t clear. And of course, the lot-more-than-1411 tigers back then. From his hit single, it is also evident that he went during the monsoons and clearly did not have a great experience overall. Working from such a background, it is no wonder that he was easily impressed by the actual cement-and-brick house that this video has been shot in, and the highly evolved system of communicating through dance used by its inhabitant.
The second member was Lady Elizabeth Blackwell-Smith, whose great great great grandfather Lord Percy Blackwell-Smith had served as the liaison between the East India company and the Mahrajah of Travancore. She still remembered how her grandfather had told her about how his grandfather had told him about how his… ok, this could go on. Let’s just say she remembered being regaled by Percy’s stories, about the southern province of India where he worked, the slightly funny way they spoke, and how they went to college to gain knowledge. During his journeys he had also brought with him various exotic products from the east – cinnamon, cardamom, and this strange artifact pictured below which apparently belonged to the first Maharajah who had visited England -
As she was thus reminiscing about her brief encounters with India… wait! Could it be??? The same artifact her great great great grandfather had brought! And that way he pronounced ‘Arsenal soangs’! Of course! This boy was a direct descendant of the line Percy had worked with. It had to be him. He was the one. Sorry Neo.
The third member of the panel was Simon Cowell. After the whole Susan Boyle thing, he has been very careful with his choice of words when dismissing people outright. He doesn’t use ‘bollocks’ anymore, replacing it with the much more palatable ‘bull’s balls.’ However, when he saw our contestant shaping up to sing, he couldn’t help himself as old memories came flooding back, and he straightaway went and shocked Lady Elizabeth with a loud, smirking ‘Bollocks!’. The next three minutes of his life were spent eating his words (turns out to be thankful that he hadn’t said bull’s balls) as he watched in open-mouthed amazement at the virtuoso display of A Capella singing being unveiled before him. Sources tell us that at the end of the performance, instead of the usual ‘you’re going to LAAAA!!!’, Simon Cowell just walked up, announced out that he was getting too old for this, and walked out whispering ‘Susan Boyle ain’t seen nothing yet’.
The last, but not by any means the least member of our illustrious panel, was, obviously, wait for it… A Spurs Fan.
Now it all makes sense doesn’t it?
Simon would have been like – “I don’t mean to be rude, but… you have gunned the tiger!”