A football club named Alcocron

“….buhahahahahahhahahha…wohooohahahahah”

                                                                       – Carlton Palmer after tasting the Real wankfest

“4-0!…bloddy hell!”

                                           -Carlton Palmer’s son

I believe that every football fan has two sides. One is the more sensible side, the other one, the utter off the street third-rate-hooligan side. But today after the historic performance by Real Madrid against spanish whatever-division side Alcorcon I have come to the conclusion that if you are not a Real fan then even your off the street third-rate hooligan side will sound more sensible than anything else in the world. So without any further ado let’s take a look at what both my sides have to offer.

THE SENSIBLE SIDE:

What?….Real??…4-0??…against whom?…Alcor..what???..Alcorcon??? ……buhahahahhahahaaa haaah aaaahaaaa.. wohhhooooohoooo…. 4-0… uh.. uh (panting) …seriously?? …buhahahhahaha hahahahhhahahahahhhhhh… wohahahoohohohooohoooo…… they played their first team?….haha.. yeah??….. wohoahahahahaaah… yeah! seriously how does it matter…..hah ahah

so on and so forth.

THE OFF-THE STREET THIRD RATE  HOOLIGAN SIDE:

Historically, football theories have been developed only by individuals. For example, total football was developed by the coach of the Dutch National Football team of the 1974 world cup. But Real Madrid have a style of their own. They have as is usual, broken all the excisting records again, by becoming the first team in the history of football to develop their very own brand of football; Total Wankball. Commonly known as total wanking and/or the Real wankfest.

BUDGET:

Anything more than 100 million pounds ought to be enough. Anyway remember, higher  the expenditure, better the wanking.

REQUISITES AND THEIRS SPECIFICATION:

1. One former and one current world footballer of the year (not to be used).

2. Two future “ex-real legends”.

3. The presence of at least two good dutch players is a must.

4. Two over-rated defenders, preferably fluent in Portuguese.

5. One spanish centre back, one german centre back.

6. One under-rated Spanish wing-back and one Polish keeper who should have played for Liverpool at least once.

7. Raul

8. A handful of young Argentine players.

9. A coach with a decent reputation.

PROCESS:

Employ the coach with a decent reputation. Remember do not give him any freedom in clubs policies.  Then proceed to convert the Spanish centre back into a right back when there are not many people noticing. Start writing newspaper articles, and giving interviews about how  great a player Raul is before making him the permanent lone striker of the team and life-long captain.  At this time the wanking will just start to appear. Now stir the already present Spanish curry with over-rated portuguese speaking people and in case you cannot add those two add the under-rated ex-liverpool left back and the comical German defender. Now add one African/french of African origin with common last names to make the wanking look inconspicuous at first sight. Add the future ex-real legend, and the two dutch players. One dutch player should have a name which can be tampered with as he starts his rotting on the bench ( Ex:- From van der vaart to van der fart through van der WHAT?!). Remember!, before adding the future ex-real legend add some meat and make him as fat as possible. Again, the fatter the future ex-real legend the more delicious the wanking. After all of this is done add the two young argentines just to add spice. And finally add the Polish ex-liverpool player, one of the worst players to have  ever won the champions league medal, right at the end to balance and save the mixture from over-cooking.Wait for 90 minutes for it to settle. Add good players in between, if you want , to test if you have executed your plan to perfection. So after 90 minutes+stoppage time, the Real Wankfest is ready. 

Please watch the highlights. It’d be worth every second of your sleep.

“….with Real Impossible is nothing.”

- Salil Ankola ( the Indian Carlton palmer)